Confessions of a COUGAR

By: Jane Ganahl

Much has been made lately of the ?cougar? phenomenon?so much so that you might assume the dating universe is now littered with Demi-Ashton wannabe couples. Not necessarily so, although cougars are becoming more visible with each passing month.

For the uninitiated, a cougar is a powerful, sexy woman of a certain age. She is not looking to get married or have babies. She loves nothing better than to pick up man-cubs and have her wicked way with them. Think of the 40-something Samantha on Sex and the City, who rode off into the night with her beloved 20-something Smith, howling an (ahem) ecstatic tune.

Why cougar-cub pairings make sense
So what?s wrong with that scenario, you ask? Nothing that I can see! Think about it: Women reach their sexual peak roughly 15 years later than men. So it makes perfect sense for a 25-year-old guy to date a 40-year-old woman?for them to ?meet at the peak,? so to speak.

I had a cougar phase in my 40s, and sweet it was. I was just coming off a divorce, my daughter was just off to college, and it was playtime! I salved my ?empty nest? heartbreak with a series of enthusiastic younger lovers who brought a wonderful energy to my life and reminded me that there were plenty of miles in me yet.

Like me, many women hit a self-esteem dip in their 40s due to divorce; for those women, I heartily endorse reclaiming self-esteem by dating younger guys?they are generally far more worshipful than our contemporaries.

The pros and cons of cougar-hood
I grew out of my cougar phase when I realized that great sex, while an important part of a relationship, wasn?t as important to me as shared life experience. (As Nietzsche famously noted, ?A good marriage is based on the talent for friendship.?) I became more interested in a suitor?s brain, spirituality and music preferences than I was his washboard abs. And I definitely viewed my cougar activities as just-for-fun; it didn?t occur to me that a December-May relationship could have a future.

Perhaps it should have! Many so-called cougars have found long-term love with their junior swains. The 15-year age difference between Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher ? so tittered about at first ? now seems like a big so-what; their marriage seems solid and real and adoring.

But taking the cougar route is not for the faint of heart. There are still some ugly stereotypes out there that suggest cougars are pathetic, lonely, bored creatures, rather than powerful sexual beings. Pshaw, says Valerie Gibson, author of Cougar: A Guide for Older Women Dating Younger Men.

?If the sexes were reversed, would they say that about an older man bedding a young woman? Of course not!? she says indignantly. ?I?ve spent the last several years trying to change that image, but society hasn?t quite gotten it yet.?

She points out that this social phenomenon has a lot to offer mature single women: ?The whole cougar movement is about giving women the opportunity to think differently about aging. Where it used to be all over at this age, now it?s only beginning. These women have everything to offer and should not allow society to put them down.?

Gibson also sees no reason why such unions can?t lead to love and marriage. ?It?s foolish to assume that love can?t blossom no matter what the age difference. And unlike the old days, when women had to marry someone older than they were, dating younger expands romantic opportunities significantly,? she says.

What every would-be cougar should know
So if you?re a woman who?s considering dating younger (perhaps way younger) men, consider this advice:

• Some women are better suited to this lifestyle than others. If you have a hard time dealing with raised eyebrows and tittering among family members, consider whether you have it in you to color outside the dating lines in this way.
• If you decide your younger man is worth it, then set the tone for your friends? and family?s reactions by presenting your relationship to them as healthy, happy and loving. And when you do, they are likely to respect your choice!
• Be aware of potential issues that might arise if you do fall in love with a cub. Compare your long-term goals; if he?s anxious to get married and have kids and you have been there/done that, that might be an insurmountable problem.
• Be open-minded to maximize your experience! More important than years on the planet are shared values, similar interests, and chemistry.

Remember, such liaisons are becoming more commonplace all the time! And we don?t all have to look like Samantha to score. And with any luck (and a big dose of love and lust), you can ride off into the sunset with your younger man, as she did.

Jane Ganahl is author of Naked on the Page: the Misadventures of My Unmarried Midlife, editor of the anthology Single Woman of a Certain Age, journalist of two decades, and co-director of San Francisco?s Litquake literary festival.